At some point in all of our lives we hear words, directly or indirectly, that sting. Whether it is a playful jest or a direct insult. Words can be hurtful. As adults, we are taught to take these kind of things with a grain of salt, to let it just roll off our backs. In my life, it has not always been the easiest thing for me to just let it roll. I have a "friend" who likes to stress being a man. He likes to say that men shouldn't cry, or have any kind of emotions. I have known this friend since I was 10 years old. 26 years into our friendship, he still confuses me with the way his mind works. It is his belief that any man should not show any emotion in regards to sadness, sympathy, etc. Although he seems to embrace the emotions that support, anger and hostility. It is a mystery I have yet to unravel.
His dad died recently. Growing up, his parents were divorced, and I really only met his dad a handful of times. The strange thing was that rather then let people know that is dad died, he kept it all secret. Eventually I found out, and reached out to him with my personal well wishes and his response was a bit eye opening. He told me that he didn't tell anyone because: "what am I going to do cry about it, men don't cry about this type of thing". or "Real men just deal with it." Over the years his personality has slowly progressed to this point so in reality I guess I was not surprised by his response. He did thank me for reaching out but in the end he wanted none of it.
I tell you this to support my original statement above. Words hurt and we all handle it differently. For me, I do not handle this type of thing with such a nonchalant attitude. My personality does not allow me to just let things roll off my back. I years past, it often led to anger, aggression, and sometimes physical confrontation. Sometimes it still does, but I like to think that with my two children, I might be a bit more level headed. But the words still hurt. The way my mind works is that anything that is said, even if I know it is a joke, my mind analyzes this to a point where I sometimes believe that it is true, or that there might have actually been malice behind it, even if the comments or words were 100% innocent. My mind dissects everything to a point that I worry about every little detail of every conversation.
I have never really said this before, by internally, I feel like I have to be liked by everyone. So I constantly worry and stress that I may have done something to offend others or cause them to dislike me, when in reality that is not the case. I constantly think about events in my life that were just "Bad Days" for me, things that happened 20 plus years ago still cause me worry and guilt. Its something that I struggle with almost daily. I do not really know why I can't mentally let these things go but sometimes they provide me with some very dark days. Sometimes its not the past that triggers the dark days, sometimes its just the causal joke, or jest from friends or acquaintances.
It happened again this weekend. I assume comments toward me in jest were just that, but as the only sober person in the room, I wonder how much alcohol added truth to the venom that was spread. I will not go into the exact wording, I do believe it was in general all in fun, but that little piece of me in the back of my mind is holding on. Two days later it still bothers me, and it hurts. Now for the next few weeks I will be wondering, was there more to it, is there something that I did that I am not aware of. Since Saturday, I have been in a pretty dark place. I am falling back into a place where I do not like being, it is a struggle and a fight to stay afloat when this happens. I have had small little conversations with my wife about it, but I'm just not that open to really digging deep into what causes it. Perhaps I should talk to someone, I guess that is a step that I will need to make eventually.
All that being said, this post is more of a personal one. I used to be cruel, mean, a bully if you will, but life and karma has gotten its way to this point and there are lessons that I have learned along the way. I try to be kind, and helpful, and caring as much as I can, I have alot to make up for in regards to being a good person and roll model for my kids. Words can be powerful, they can hurt, they can scar, they can uplift, and motivate. Its about how we want to put ourselves our there and help people, a few kinds words can go along way to helping someone whom might be in a struggle that is not apparent to the rest of us. We all put on that mask over top our daily struggle, so sometimes, even though we think it means nothing, kind words can be a soothing welcome or the rope to pull us out of our hole.
Be kind, be helpful, be caring, share your pleasure with others in whatever you do. Just because we do not like the same things, or have the same opinions, does not mean that we cant show kindness toward each others satisfaction. As I currently struggle with the words that pinged me this weekend, and as the emotions roll through my mind, I am in one of the dark places. Perhaps someone out there will share a kind word or two for any reason because words are powerful and in them we can all make a difference no matter how small.
Sparty.
Monday, October 14, 2019
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
Reflections
So, a little time for some reflection. Today is 9/11. For obvious reasons this means something to most of us Americans. The day all of our lives changed. Try as I might, as the years progress I can't help but to have some moments of reflection to where I was, what I was doing, or what my experience was the day that the nation stood still. I do not think I will ever have a year where I don't think back to what happened. As the years pass, it will always be a mark upon my soul.
I was not directly affected by 9/11, other than the worry for my parents who work for a government organization I shall not name, and the cause of hysteria that gave me a 3 hour drive home from work. At the core of it though, I was affected, we all were. Even those of us too young to live through it and only hear the stories are affected. We live our lives differently now then we did before. We claim to be free people in a free country but we are now held hostage by our fear. It is warranted in a way, the world is more violent, hatred is running rampant, and the need to service or achieve our own agendas is prominent.
Some of this was the case before the planes hit. Every person in this world has a personal agenda, and we all work to serve it. But we were not held back with fear so much as we are now. The ever twitching trigger finger. Its a shame really if you think about it. When the planes hit, we came together as a country, unified in the stance that we would rise up and give the middle finger to all terrorist world wide. And we did, we stood up, we rallied, we picked up the pieces. but then something happened. It didn't matter so much anymore. People went on to other agendas, some of which were important. others, not so much.
Its funny when you look at this country and the times that we came together ( or split apart for that matter ). During one of the darkest times of this country, we elected to stay out of a war that would eventually claim millions of lives. We stayed out, that is until we were provoked. When the Japanese bombed pearl harbor it was a time when the nation was divided, at a low, but it inevitably brought the country out of its slumber and we rallied as one against the tyranny and hatred that was spreading in Europe and the pacific. But then when the time came, and the fighting was done, we were no longer one, we were many.
The citizens of this country were split with other conflicts, Korea, Vietnam, and even the more recent conflicts. It wasn't until again we were attacked on our home soil that we came together as one to crush all those that would oppose us. Now let me step back and just say this, What I am writing is not fact, this is all a matter of perspective. I was obviously not alive for WW2, Vietnam, Korea, and I was very young for the other conflicts. So take my comments for what they are worth. I'm just speaking in terms of unity. Something of which our country seems to dive in and out of constantly.
Events, tragedy, horror like 9/11 shouldn't happen, but our world is not made up of people who will get along. The people of this world are constantly trying to out due one another rather then work together. Religion is a problem, greed is a problem, there are many problems. Who decides that one belief is superior over another, who dictates what sacrifices are to be made to make a dollar, is there anyway for peace to actually work in this world we live in? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, but I do know that unless we recognize what could potentially lead us to failure, we will never be able to work toward success.
I love this country, in retrospect, I would probably have served in the military out of high school. Instead I went into trade school, meant my wife, and started my family. But I also have friends in other countries. I think they are awesome people, they are fun to talk to, to hang out with, just good people in general. I love what the United States of America stands for. I don't necessarily think we institute our values efficiently but that will always be a work in progress.
So, this post is a bit different then what I intended. but reflection is a good thing. We can only learn from mistakes, we learn from experience. Lessons Learned is knowledge gained. Tell your children about 9/11, tell them everything, one day they will learn it. Let them live your experience through their eyes. Its important we do this, or the enemy wins. 9/11 was not just a moment that passed, its a scar on the soul of every human being that witness, watched, or experience the whole thing. Its important we remember the innocent people that were taken without even saying good bye. Remember those who sacrificed, they gave everything for complete strangers, never giving a second thought. We are not truly dead until we are no longer remembered. Keep those spirits alive, so that we as a country can stand united and say Fuck You to those who would do us harm. After all, that's what this country was always supposed to be about. Generally speaking :)
Finally, Let us not forget those who could make a stand, and did. This who knew they would probably not make it out alive and yet still fought and gave their lives in the hope of saving others. There is so much talk about the planes that hit the trade centers and the pentagon, and yes, there is talk about the plane that crashed, but I think that plane bears a greater message then those that hit the towers. In times of need, we will come together as a United people. We will fight, even while staring death in the face, so that no harm will come to others. The people on the flight that crashed in PA new the end was near, but the fought, until their last breaths. sacrificing themselves so that where ever that plan was headed, it wouldn't make it, and more families would not have to bury empty caskets.
9/11 is more then just a day to remember. Its a state of mind, its a reminder. We are better then those that would wish harm on us. We are better then the evil that lives at our doorsteps. Together we are strong, apart we are weak. 9/11 is apart of us, Never Forget what happened, or what those brave brave souls did on that day. Never forget 9/11.
Have a good day all.
Sparty
I was not directly affected by 9/11, other than the worry for my parents who work for a government organization I shall not name, and the cause of hysteria that gave me a 3 hour drive home from work. At the core of it though, I was affected, we all were. Even those of us too young to live through it and only hear the stories are affected. We live our lives differently now then we did before. We claim to be free people in a free country but we are now held hostage by our fear. It is warranted in a way, the world is more violent, hatred is running rampant, and the need to service or achieve our own agendas is prominent.
Some of this was the case before the planes hit. Every person in this world has a personal agenda, and we all work to serve it. But we were not held back with fear so much as we are now. The ever twitching trigger finger. Its a shame really if you think about it. When the planes hit, we came together as a country, unified in the stance that we would rise up and give the middle finger to all terrorist world wide. And we did, we stood up, we rallied, we picked up the pieces. but then something happened. It didn't matter so much anymore. People went on to other agendas, some of which were important. others, not so much.
Its funny when you look at this country and the times that we came together ( or split apart for that matter ). During one of the darkest times of this country, we elected to stay out of a war that would eventually claim millions of lives. We stayed out, that is until we were provoked. When the Japanese bombed pearl harbor it was a time when the nation was divided, at a low, but it inevitably brought the country out of its slumber and we rallied as one against the tyranny and hatred that was spreading in Europe and the pacific. But then when the time came, and the fighting was done, we were no longer one, we were many.
The citizens of this country were split with other conflicts, Korea, Vietnam, and even the more recent conflicts. It wasn't until again we were attacked on our home soil that we came together as one to crush all those that would oppose us. Now let me step back and just say this, What I am writing is not fact, this is all a matter of perspective. I was obviously not alive for WW2, Vietnam, Korea, and I was very young for the other conflicts. So take my comments for what they are worth. I'm just speaking in terms of unity. Something of which our country seems to dive in and out of constantly.
Events, tragedy, horror like 9/11 shouldn't happen, but our world is not made up of people who will get along. The people of this world are constantly trying to out due one another rather then work together. Religion is a problem, greed is a problem, there are many problems. Who decides that one belief is superior over another, who dictates what sacrifices are to be made to make a dollar, is there anyway for peace to actually work in this world we live in? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, but I do know that unless we recognize what could potentially lead us to failure, we will never be able to work toward success.
I love this country, in retrospect, I would probably have served in the military out of high school. Instead I went into trade school, meant my wife, and started my family. But I also have friends in other countries. I think they are awesome people, they are fun to talk to, to hang out with, just good people in general. I love what the United States of America stands for. I don't necessarily think we institute our values efficiently but that will always be a work in progress.
So, this post is a bit different then what I intended. but reflection is a good thing. We can only learn from mistakes, we learn from experience. Lessons Learned is knowledge gained. Tell your children about 9/11, tell them everything, one day they will learn it. Let them live your experience through their eyes. Its important we do this, or the enemy wins. 9/11 was not just a moment that passed, its a scar on the soul of every human being that witness, watched, or experience the whole thing. Its important we remember the innocent people that were taken without even saying good bye. Remember those who sacrificed, they gave everything for complete strangers, never giving a second thought. We are not truly dead until we are no longer remembered. Keep those spirits alive, so that we as a country can stand united and say Fuck You to those who would do us harm. After all, that's what this country was always supposed to be about. Generally speaking :)
Finally, Let us not forget those who could make a stand, and did. This who knew they would probably not make it out alive and yet still fought and gave their lives in the hope of saving others. There is so much talk about the planes that hit the trade centers and the pentagon, and yes, there is talk about the plane that crashed, but I think that plane bears a greater message then those that hit the towers. In times of need, we will come together as a United people. We will fight, even while staring death in the face, so that no harm will come to others. The people on the flight that crashed in PA new the end was near, but the fought, until their last breaths. sacrificing themselves so that where ever that plan was headed, it wouldn't make it, and more families would not have to bury empty caskets.
9/11 is more then just a day to remember. Its a state of mind, its a reminder. We are better then those that would wish harm on us. We are better then the evil that lives at our doorsteps. Together we are strong, apart we are weak. 9/11 is apart of us, Never Forget what happened, or what those brave brave souls did on that day. Never forget 9/11.
Have a good day all.
Sparty
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Try as you might....
Well...where shall we begin?
This is not a first for me, nor is it something I am accustomed to doing. I thought for awhile about what I could do to help maybe relieve some stress, be better at accepting criticism, or just generally learning how to live with and accept the person I am. So i figure, why not, lets take time to write a blog. Lets see where it goes, how it helps, what I potentially learn. So here we are at the start of something....something good....something bad....who knows. the obvious line coming from the original Guardians of the Galaxy, star lord is one of my favorites.
So again, what do we talk about today. I hate politics, so that is a no. Im a casual sports fan, so there is no reason to get into that. I do not have any intention of writing these things with a specific purpose. Mainly I think it will just speak about whatever is on my mind. So, what's on my mind? Im glad you asked. Lets get started.
Over the past few years I have been a part of the unique community of Destiny/Destiny 2 players. For a good portion of that I played with a pretty close group of guys, forming some really meaningful relationships. Video games, as you probably already know, go through their up and down moments. You have haters, you have lovers, and you have those that are in between. I had my own clan for awhile and well, life happens to us all. Some of us moved, some of us moved on to other games, and well I'm not quite sure what happened to the rest. Regardless, I played that online multiplayer pretty hard for the last 4 years. I still love it today, problem is, its getting boring playing alone. So few of those that I gained relationships with still play the game, and none of my IRL friends really play games like I do. I moved to a different clan only to realize that I so self conscious that I struggle to be social with new people that I meet over a headset. Its stupid really but its me, and I live with it.
I am not sure if I caused any problems between some of the old guys and myself. I have invited a few of them to play a couple times only to get ignored. Then I find the old crew all teamed up playing together and I'm stuck on the outside. In the effort to maintain friendships, I typically just ignore it and let it be. Destiny is moving to Cross-save ( today actually ), There is a chance I may move to PC permanently. Only time will tell which direction I will take one way or another. I love playing games. They give me that real life break after long days of work and raising children. Don't get me wrong, I love being with family and doing stuff with them, but everybody needs to escape somehow right. Yoga, meditation, a good book, video games, are all ways that people take that mental break to ground themselves from the chaos of daily life.
Time out...….
Time In....
Well that was quite unexpected, at the time of the time out, I was informed that the city was about to close down major roads so I had to book it to get out before I got caught in some major traffic delays...that was a week ago, and I am just getting back to this post. I know, I know, what perfect timing right?! I left off talking about my life with video games and how they assist me with an outlet to be me but the fact that I still struggle with the social aspect of them. That was on my mind then, and kind of still is now, but today I have other things that are on my mind.
I had surgery Friday. Fixing an issue in my wrist that has kept me from really enjoying my social life. it doesn't hurt really but I'm out of any kind of physical activity for about the next 5 weeks. The bandage is annoying and I cant take it off until I see the doctor again. Its going to be a long two weeks. I recently caught up with an old buddy play PC, that was fun. The last few nights have been game free. I grinded a lot the last week and feel kind of burnt out so i decided to take a break and catch up on some shows with the wife. Tonight is a bummer night for me, Bowling league starts tonight and well, I obviously can't bowl. I'm going to stop by anyhow and say hi to my team. They are really great people who i enjoy hanging out with weekly.
I know I was on a good path and a good start when I started this post and it got railroaded with the whole traffic issue. Oh well, ill try to be more point oriented next time. or not, its whatever. stay beautiful people.
Sparty
Time out...….
Time In....
Well that was quite unexpected, at the time of the time out, I was informed that the city was about to close down major roads so I had to book it to get out before I got caught in some major traffic delays...that was a week ago, and I am just getting back to this post. I know, I know, what perfect timing right?! I left off talking about my life with video games and how they assist me with an outlet to be me but the fact that I still struggle with the social aspect of them. That was on my mind then, and kind of still is now, but today I have other things that are on my mind.
I had surgery Friday. Fixing an issue in my wrist that has kept me from really enjoying my social life. it doesn't hurt really but I'm out of any kind of physical activity for about the next 5 weeks. The bandage is annoying and I cant take it off until I see the doctor again. Its going to be a long two weeks. I recently caught up with an old buddy play PC, that was fun. The last few nights have been game free. I grinded a lot the last week and feel kind of burnt out so i decided to take a break and catch up on some shows with the wife. Tonight is a bummer night for me, Bowling league starts tonight and well, I obviously can't bowl. I'm going to stop by anyhow and say hi to my team. They are really great people who i enjoy hanging out with weekly.
I know I was on a good path and a good start when I started this post and it got railroaded with the whole traffic issue. Oh well, ill try to be more point oriented next time. or not, its whatever. stay beautiful people.
Sparty
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